Change
Posted on: Wednesday, October 17, 2007
Posted at: 12:29 AM
Posted at: 12:29 AM
change is inevitable. change is something none of us can control. change happens all the time. change is happening, whether we like it or not. and as much as we don't want to admit it, change is needed for us to survive in this cruel world.
things are very different now.
the place i once called home, doesn't feel like home anymore. it's no longer the place i used to look forward to going back to, it's no longer my sanctuary. i used to call school my 2nd home. but i'm such a loser, i've demoted to being a slacker. i've got no school now. and the place where i used to call my 3rd home, isn't the place i knew 5 years ago when i first started there. now, i've got no place to call home. no place to feel safe, to go to when i feel sad or alone, nowhere i feel at peace and accepted.
the person, who used to be the person who truly understands me, now don't really. who once had a great smile and an understanding heart, now has a paranoid mind and a uncontrollable temper. mum never seem the same again. i wish she'll come back. its so difficult to talk to her now. so many secrets, so many lies. its tiring to keep this up. but when i'm honest, she worries and thinks more into things. just tell me, how can i be a good daughter?
its natural for the man of the house to be working all day, and not having time spent with the family. dad has always been like tt. a stranger living in the house. someone who doesn't seem to know me very well, is actually someone who seem to understand everything i tell him. to him, i seem to have become someone else, not knowing the things i do, the people i hang out with. he doesn't care... anymore. or rather, he never asked, never wanted to know, never spoke of it. the phone has stopped ringing, unlike the last time, everytime it rang, it was your voice asking me where i am, what i'm doing. somehow, i miss that.
the two boys who i used to spend more than half the day fighting and arguing with, whose blood is in mine, who are so different from me, but yet we're related. they've always been smarter and more capable. they can do so many things i can't and never can. one is seldom at home, and when he is, i'm not. the other is working hard, i've never seen him put in so much effort in anything before. i'm very proud of him. and i believe he will do very well. and i trust he's learnt to make useful decisions for himself. unlike last time, they're not always around to protect me anymore. sometimes i wonder if my brothers ever forgotten that they have a sister like me. have they ever been ashamed of me?
but who am i to say they've changed? who am i to say that they've become someone else? i've not seen their side of the story. i've not seen how they go through their everyday. i've not seen what they have going on and what they have to go through. who knows they're having an equally hard time as me?
i know staying at home more would be great. but like i said, i've got no home. and even if i'm here, nobody's home. it's the strangest place to be most of the time. it's weird how i get so restless now when i spend a whole day in this house. so restless that i don't care if anyone is free, i'd go anywhere as long as i'm out, even if it means by myself. that's why staying at home more, is not an option for me.
the only thing left is to make time spent together more worthwhile. more memorable. and to let them know that my heart loves them all the same.
i've definitely changed too. though i may not be very sure how, but i feel like a whole new person.
i can't say specifically how i've changed. but i've learnt many things about myself within these short few months. many things that sometimes, i'm not sure if this is still me. am i still myself? or am i someone else? is it because of this new me that's why everything around me is changing? is this new person accepted by my friends?
so many questions. i ask myself these quesitons constantly. often these thoughts end up in an intense battle within myself. between my body, mind and my heart. the only way to distract myself from those thoughts is to hang around with other people who i know will accept me for who i am no matter what. but sometimes, with them, i feel like i'm someone else again.
i always believe in changing myself for the better. i wonder what others think about me now. are their thoughts about me any different?
one thing i know for sure is the ways i feel about these people have always been the same. i still love them all. i still appreciate them for who they are.
only you yourself will know if the change in you is a good or bad thing. because the change affects you, which will affect the people around you. but if that change is causing you to be confused and lost about yourself, then i guess you've not really changed, but facing an intense battle on whether you should change. because when you say you've changed, its when you're certain that that's how you want to be, that's the person you want to become.
sometimes the people around you might say they miss the old you. but if they don't know why you've changed like that, then they don't really know you do they? or maybe you don't really know yourself, making it harder for them to know you? sometimes all they need to feel better is know why the change is happening. because i wonder why my family is the way it is now. and all i need is an answer. at least i'll feel better about being homeless.
but no point changing back to that person of the past. adapt. it's what we always have to do to survive. adapt to new surroundings, new environments, new people. adapt... to the new you, and allow that new you to get the people around you to adapt to that new person inside of you. it's something only you can do.
i don't know how all of this make sense. i'm not God. i'm not a saint. i'm not who a lot of people think i am. i'm not that person you know.
i can't take away all your problems, i can't take away all the pain. i can't take away the confusion. i cannot make all that stress disappear. i can't change the way people think about you. i can't make all the tears evaporate. i can't give you the answers to all your questions. for all that, i deeply regret. and i am sorry. guess no matter how i change or how i become the person i've always wanted to be, i'll never be able to protect you fully. i'm sorry.
if it does make sense though, i hope you get my point. if not, i guess i'm just as equally confused as you. but i don't have the right to tell you what to do. but i can tell you the simplest thing to do is to be yourself.
things are very different now.
the place i once called home, doesn't feel like home anymore. it's no longer the place i used to look forward to going back to, it's no longer my sanctuary. i used to call school my 2nd home. but i'm such a loser, i've demoted to being a slacker. i've got no school now. and the place where i used to call my 3rd home, isn't the place i knew 5 years ago when i first started there. now, i've got no place to call home. no place to feel safe, to go to when i feel sad or alone, nowhere i feel at peace and accepted.
the person, who used to be the person who truly understands me, now don't really. who once had a great smile and an understanding heart, now has a paranoid mind and a uncontrollable temper. mum never seem the same again. i wish she'll come back. its so difficult to talk to her now. so many secrets, so many lies. its tiring to keep this up. but when i'm honest, she worries and thinks more into things. just tell me, how can i be a good daughter?
its natural for the man of the house to be working all day, and not having time spent with the family. dad has always been like tt. a stranger living in the house. someone who doesn't seem to know me very well, is actually someone who seem to understand everything i tell him. to him, i seem to have become someone else, not knowing the things i do, the people i hang out with. he doesn't care... anymore. or rather, he never asked, never wanted to know, never spoke of it. the phone has stopped ringing, unlike the last time, everytime it rang, it was your voice asking me where i am, what i'm doing. somehow, i miss that.
the two boys who i used to spend more than half the day fighting and arguing with, whose blood is in mine, who are so different from me, but yet we're related. they've always been smarter and more capable. they can do so many things i can't and never can. one is seldom at home, and when he is, i'm not. the other is working hard, i've never seen him put in so much effort in anything before. i'm very proud of him. and i believe he will do very well. and i trust he's learnt to make useful decisions for himself. unlike last time, they're not always around to protect me anymore. sometimes i wonder if my brothers ever forgotten that they have a sister like me. have they ever been ashamed of me?
but who am i to say they've changed? who am i to say that they've become someone else? i've not seen their side of the story. i've not seen how they go through their everyday. i've not seen what they have going on and what they have to go through. who knows they're having an equally hard time as me?
i know staying at home more would be great. but like i said, i've got no home. and even if i'm here, nobody's home. it's the strangest place to be most of the time. it's weird how i get so restless now when i spend a whole day in this house. so restless that i don't care if anyone is free, i'd go anywhere as long as i'm out, even if it means by myself. that's why staying at home more, is not an option for me.
the only thing left is to make time spent together more worthwhile. more memorable. and to let them know that my heart loves them all the same.
i've definitely changed too. though i may not be very sure how, but i feel like a whole new person.
i can't say specifically how i've changed. but i've learnt many things about myself within these short few months. many things that sometimes, i'm not sure if this is still me. am i still myself? or am i someone else? is it because of this new me that's why everything around me is changing? is this new person accepted by my friends?
so many questions. i ask myself these quesitons constantly. often these thoughts end up in an intense battle within myself. between my body, mind and my heart. the only way to distract myself from those thoughts is to hang around with other people who i know will accept me for who i am no matter what. but sometimes, with them, i feel like i'm someone else again.
i always believe in changing myself for the better. i wonder what others think about me now. are their thoughts about me any different?
one thing i know for sure is the ways i feel about these people have always been the same. i still love them all. i still appreciate them for who they are.
only you yourself will know if the change in you is a good or bad thing. because the change affects you, which will affect the people around you. but if that change is causing you to be confused and lost about yourself, then i guess you've not really changed, but facing an intense battle on whether you should change. because when you say you've changed, its when you're certain that that's how you want to be, that's the person you want to become.
sometimes the people around you might say they miss the old you. but if they don't know why you've changed like that, then they don't really know you do they? or maybe you don't really know yourself, making it harder for them to know you? sometimes all they need to feel better is know why the change is happening. because i wonder why my family is the way it is now. and all i need is an answer. at least i'll feel better about being homeless.
but no point changing back to that person of the past. adapt. it's what we always have to do to survive. adapt to new surroundings, new environments, new people. adapt... to the new you, and allow that new you to get the people around you to adapt to that new person inside of you. it's something only you can do.
i don't know how all of this make sense. i'm not God. i'm not a saint. i'm not who a lot of people think i am. i'm not that person you know.
i can't take away all your problems, i can't take away all the pain. i can't take away the confusion. i cannot make all that stress disappear. i can't change the way people think about you. i can't make all the tears evaporate. i can't give you the answers to all your questions. for all that, i deeply regret. and i am sorry. guess no matter how i change or how i become the person i've always wanted to be, i'll never be able to protect you fully. i'm sorry.
if it does make sense though, i hope you get my point. if not, i guess i'm just as equally confused as you. but i don't have the right to tell you what to do. but i can tell you the simplest thing to do is to be yourself.
i may not be able to give you the answers
i don't know if i make things worse
all i know is i want you to know
i'm here. always.